A shy young maid has took a room down at the village inn
Her bedside light is, oh, so bright, and the curtains, oh, so thin
At nine o'clock, she enters her room; at half past nine, she sleeps
Lord clarendon walks quickly on, but naughty Samuel peeps

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white)
(And it's all written down in his diary)

On Tuesday night, I kissed her hand, oh, I was very keen
It was eleven inches long – the biggest hand I'd seen
But as I kissed her hand, a thought into my mind was put
If that hand had been one inch longer, I'd have kissed a foot

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white)
(And it's all written down in his diary)

I said: Pray tell me, what would you do if you fell in the sea one day?
Would you tear all your clothes off so that you might swim away?
She said: I would keep my blouse on, that's the method I'd employ
For the air gets underneath it, and it acts just like a buoy

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white)
(And it's all written down in his diary)
(For we know it's right, it's in black and white)
(And it's all written down in his diary!)